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2003-02-26 - 6:58 p.m.

i have worked on the bottom-most rungs of the sex industry twice.

for more than a year, i was a phone sex operator. before that, i sold porno. like in one of those adult video/magazine/sex toy Wal-Marts.

personally, i would recommend working in the non-touching areas of the sex-industry. the main reason is because you get to do pretty much whatever you want for the duration of your shift. when i was doing phone sex, i played game boy and knitted and ate chex mix and read magazines and drew pictures ALL DAY LONG, and got paid better than any other job i have ever had. at the porn store, it was pretty much the same only i could also SMOKE all i wanted. in the store. while i was waiting on customers. and i had my very own special chair that was comfy to sit in and was five feet off the ground. (score)

the only con to working at one of these places is that you can't tell your mom. you either have to make up a different job or tell her you don't have a job.

when i was working at the porn store, i told my mom i was working at a video store, which wasn't a complete lie. the thing is, she lives an hour away, which is far enough away that i can lie for a minute, but close enough that she will eventually find out.

one day i was working in the "video store" and my mom stopped by my house and asked my neighbor where the "video store" where i worked was. of course, he told her.

i was at the counter, and i see her walk in the door. for a second after she got in, i think she thought she was in a real video store. then she saw the dildos. and the cock rings. and the fake cooters. and the arm-sized dildo that's shaped like an arm. and her little girl with her tattoos flapping in the breeze, smoking behind the counter. (before this she didn't know i smoked, and didn't know i had tattoos.)

my mom is odd. any other mom would flip out. my mom got this weird smile on her face.

mom: i thought you worked in a video store!

me: this is a video store, yeah?

mom: oh, natalie. i took such good care of your skin when you were little! you ruined your arms!

me: sorry.

mom: are you smoking?

me: yeah. sorry.

mom: quit smoking!

me: ok.

at this point, i got a customer and my mom started walking around. i wait on the customer, and then go see what my mom is up to. she is talking to this dude who is minding his own business, picking out a butt plug.

mom: sigh

dude: (just looks at her)

mom: i can't believe it.

dude: (just looks at her)

mom: i sent her up here to go to school, and look at what she is doing!

dude: (still just looking)

mom: i sent her here to go to school, and she is smoking and working in a porn store. isn't she afraid of the people who come in here?

dude: (just looks at her and wonders if she knows that he is the people who come in here)

i run over and stop her from pestering the poor guy, and try to get her to leave. but she brought my 18 year old sister with her, and my sister will not leave until my mom buys something, and keeps walking around, yelling about whatever she sees.


finally, my mom buys my sister a shirt that says QUEEN in big letters, not realizing it was intended for some gay guy, and an ice cube tray that makes ice shaped like weiners. then they leave.

my mom never mentioned it ever again. i think she just blocked it out. its probably better that way.

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